Academic failure. Friend's betrayal. Family falling out. The aching heart. Broken dream(s).
There is blood, so we bleed.
At the age of 27, I am sure now, life can get brutal.
And am also sure that each one of us 'has seen a lot in life'.. And no pain hurts the other lesser.
The highest of highs. The smaller, more constant, joys of life. The lows. And the dungeons. Each experience of life merits a blog (!). And this is about life in the abyss.
The event may follow a boring pain, a looming fear or may be totally unprecedented.
You can never be mentally prepared enough. I was never.
There is loss of blood in the face. The heart pounds. The gut wrenches. The legs tremble. The feet are cold. When there's sweat on the forehead.
And then comes the lump. The choke. The choking choke. Which anatomical layer of the neck holds and develops that, I do not know. Yet its presence longer than a few hours or a day makes me painfully aware that I'm falling. How I wish I could dissect that layer.
We all know how it feels to smile with that lump. Or say a bright, 'hey! how are you?!".. And we admire our bravery. We run away in a corner to release the choke, because our bravery arouses only self-pity.
I have given a lecture with that pain. Seen a hundred patients in the OPD. Stared at questions in the paper for other answers. Walked lengths and breadths in shade or sun, feeling just as cold. And sweaty. I have envied people laughing away in front of me.. Will I be that happy again? What makes people so happy? I know.. I've been there too.
I have rushed through the day's worldly affairs to run to my room. Locked the door well. Found the cornerest corner and sat there so I can atleast start weeping more easily. Clutched the Hanuman Chalisa.
Then I go to the bathroom. Look at myself in the mirror. The same that I used to smile into and be amazed at my happy beauty! Damn! Am rather ugly!
I look for bits of happy foods.. Chocolates or cookies. I drink some water so the glands remain hydrated.
Music is forbidden. Cell phone is the worst creation of mankind.
Its a lucky day if people do not come knocking.
There's no appetite for food. Atleast we can loose weight more easily now!
Making sure all are well asleep and the pillow is comfy, I lie in fetal position. They say you were most blessed and peaceful then. I swear! And then I let go. I cry. And more. I breathe. Slow and deep. And then I cry some more. Bury myself in the pillow. It becomes difficult to breathe. What with the nose clogged and the mouth stuffed. The voice becomes hoarse. And then I care a damn. I howl. I cry a hearty cry. I feel healthier with every bout. It makes me stronger to dare and curse God. Why me.
The night helps. Crying well helps. I wake up braver for the day.
